We Learned the Pythagorean Theorem, But Nobody Taught Us How to Adult

The 90s Kid Guide to Things School Never Prepared Us For

Somewhere in my brain, taking up valuable storage space, is this:

a² + b² = c².

The Pythagorean theorem.

I learned it in school, memorized it for a test, and somehow still remember it all these years later.

Have I used it since graduating?

Not that I can remember.

But you know what I have needed?

How to understand health insurance.

How to build credit.

How to file taxes without questioning my entire existence.

How to budget when everything seems to cost approximately a million dollars.

And how to be a functioning adult when I’m basically a permanently exhausted pigeon trying to survive another week.

But hey, at least I can calculate the missing side of a triangle.

Dear School, We Need to Talk

As a 90s kid, I grew up believing school was preparing us for the real world.

We had textbooks, homework, pop quizzes, standardized tests, and teachers telling us we’d need this information someday.

And sure, some of it was useful.

Reading? Absolutely.

Writing? Definitely.

Basic math? Very important.

Typing class? Probably one of the most useful things we learned, considering how much of our lives now happen online.

But then there were the other things.

Like memorizing the periodic table.

Learning the quadratic formula.

Diagramming sentences.

Writing five-paragraph essays about symbolism in books.

And my personal favorite:

The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Wonderful.

Now, can someone explain what a deductible is and why my insurance paperwork looks like it was written by Shakespeare?

We Learned How to Solve for X. I’m Still Trying to Solve for My Life.

Remember those math problems?

Find X.

Well, I’m 30 now, and I’m still trying to find X.

Except X is no longer a number.

X is:

• What am I doing with my life?
• How do people afford houses?
• Why are groceries so expensive?
• How am I supposed to save money and actually enjoy being alive?
• Why does every adult responsibility require another password?
• How do people work, cook, clean, exercise, socialize, sleep, and still have hobbies?

Seriously.

Where was the worksheet for that?

Because I would’ve appreciated a little warning.

The Class We Actually Needed: Adulting 101

Imagine if instead of another geometry test, we had a class called How to Survive Being a Grown-Up Without Completely Losing Your Mind.

The curriculum would’ve looked something like this:

Week 1: How to read a paycheck.

Week 2: Taxes, because apparently the government expects us to figure those out.

Week 3: Credit scores and why three little numbers can control so much of your life.

Week 4: Renting, mortgages, and why houses cost more than our souls.

Week 5: Health insurance explained in actual human language.

Week 6: Buying a car without getting completely confused.

Week 7: How to make a realistic budget.

Week 8: Workplace boundaries and learning that saying no doesn’t make you a terrible employee.

Week 9: How to cook dinner when you have absolutely no energy left.

Week 10: How to stop feeling guilty for resting.

Final exam?

You have three bills due, your car is making a weird noise, you need groceries, and you’re exhausted.

Explain how you plan to survive the week.

Extra credit if you don’t cry.

But Maybe School Wasn’t the Only Problem

The funny thing is, I don’t actually believe everything we learned was useless.

Math teaches problem-solving.

English teaches communication.

History helps us understand the world.

Science teaches us how things work.

And yes, geometry really does have practical uses.

But I think what frustrates me is how much emphasis we put on preparing kids to pass tests instead of also preparing them for everyday life.

We were expected to graduate, get jobs, pay bills, and somehow magically understand everything.

Like adulthood came with a secret instruction manual that everyone else received.

Spoiler alert: I never got mine.

And judging by the number of times I’ve Googled things that seem like basic adult knowledge, I don’t think I’m alone.

We’re the Generation That Googles Everything

Let’s be real.

Millennials went from asking Jeeves questions on the family computer to Googling things like:

How often am I supposed to change my car’s air filter?

What’s the difference between a copay and a deductible?

Can you freeze this food?

How do I write a professional email without sounding rude?

Is this normal or am I just adulting incorrectly?

We’ve basically been teaching ourselves adulthood through Google, YouTube tutorials, trial and error, and occasional phone calls to our parents.

And honestly?

I think that’s pretty impressive.

Maybe Being an Adult Is Just Constantly Learning

Here’s something I’m slowly realizing at 30.

Maybe adulthood isn’t about knowing everything.

Maybe it’s about accepting that we’re always going to be learning.

Nobody has all the answers.

Not at 20.

Not at 30.

Probably not even at 60.

There will always be another bill, another confusing form, another life decision, and another thing we have to figure out.

And maybe that’s okay.

Because being grown up doesn’t automatically mean having your life together.

Sometimes it means standing in your kitchen, Googling how long to boil an egg while wondering how you’re legally responsible for yourself.

And somehow, you’re still doing it.

Maybe not perfectly.

Maybe with a little chaos.

Maybe while running on caffeine and approximately four functioning brain cells.

But you’re figuring it out.

And that’s kind of what adulthood is.

Still, I would like to formally request that future generations receive at least one semester of Adulting 101.

Because I have yet to encounter a real-life emergency that required me to find the hypotenuse.

But understanding taxes?

That would’ve been nice.

Still figuring it out, one questionable adult decision at a time.

Your turn: What’s one thing you learned in school that you’ve never used, and what’s one adult skill you wish they’d actually taught you?

I’d love to know I’m not the only one who remembers the mitochondria but still has to Google basic life skills.

For more millennial nostalgia, adulthood chaos, and reflections on growing up, visit The Millennial Mind or my main creative wellness blog at AbbyJuli.com.