I Believe in Letting People Be Themselves, So Why Am I Still Unlearning How I Was Raised?

AM Thoughts | Faith, Diversity, Acceptance, and the Complicated Process of Unlearning

There’s something I’ve been thinking about lately, and honestly, I don’t know if I’m going to explain it perfectly.

But that’s kind of the point of this Substack, isn’t it?

Having conversations about things we’re still figuring out, even when those conversations are uncomfortable, complicated, or difficult to put into words.

I consider myself a fairly open-minded person. I believe people deserve kindness, respect, understanding, and the freedom to live their own lives.

I believe people should be able to love who they love, express themselves, and discover who they truly are.

But here’s where things get complicated for me.

Sometimes I can accept something without fully understanding it.

And sometimes, the things I was taught growing up make it difficult to understand how much the world around me is changing.

I’m not writing this to criticize anyone’s identity, religion, sexuality, or personal choices.

I’m writing this because I wonder how many other people are experiencing the same internal conflict.

Wanting to be accepting.

Wanting to understand.

But still trying to unlearn certain beliefs and expectations from childhood.

And maybe being willing to admit that is where personal growth begins.

I’m Accepting, but That Doesn’t Mean I Understand Everything

I’m going to be completely honest about something that might be uncomfortable to admit.

I don’t fully understand everything surrounding diversity, gender identity, sexuality, and the changing social conversations happening around us.

These topics have become much more visible in mainstream conversations, from social media and television to politics and everyday life.

And sometimes, I genuinely don’t know how to process it all.

Not because I think people shouldn’t be themselves.

Not because I want to judge anyone.

But because I was raised with a different understanding of identity, faith, and what it means to be who you are.

Growing up, I was taught that God made you a certain way.

You were born as you were, and that was who you were supposed to be.

So when I hear people talking about discovering an identity that differs from what others assumed about them at birth, part of me still struggles to understand that experience.

I sometimes catch myself thinking:

If God made you this way, why would you want to change?

But then another question comes to mind.

What if someone isn’t changing who they were meant to be? What if they’re finally discovering who they were all along?

Maybe the identity someone was assigned at birth doesn’t fully reflect how they understand themselves.

Maybe someone isn’t trying to become an entirely different person.

Maybe they’re finally finding the freedom to live authentically.

And perhaps that’s something I need to understand better.

Because here’s what I do believe.

People deserve to be who they were meant to be, not simply who society expects them to be.

I might not understand every experience.

I might still have questions.

And I might occasionally find myself looking at things through the beliefs I grew up with.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t accept someone for who they are.

When What You Were Taught Meets What You’re Learning

Growing up, many of us were taught that certain things were simply the way they were.

You were born a certain way.

You followed certain traditions.

You believed certain things because your parents, grandparents, religion, or community told you they were true.

And for a long time, you didn’t necessarily question them.

Not because you were intentionally trying to be judgmental.

But because that was your understanding of the world.

As children, we often accept what the adults around us teach us.

We don’t necessarily stop to ask whether there might be another perspective.

We just assume that’s how things work.

But adulthood has a funny way of challenging everything you thought you knew.

You meet people from different backgrounds.

You hear stories that don’t match your own experiences.

You discover that the world is much bigger and more complicated than the one you grew up understanding.

And suddenly, you find yourself questioning things you once believed without hesitation.

That’s where I sometimes find myself.

I don’t necessarily want to reject everything I was taught.

My upbringing is part of who I am.

But I also don’t want to close myself off from understanding other people simply because their experiences are different from mine.

I can respect where I came from while still questioning what I was taught.

And I think that’s an important part of growing as a person.

Faith, God, and Finding Your True Self

Religion makes these conversations even more complicated.

For some people, faith provides comfort, purpose, and a foundation for understanding the world.

For others, religion has been a source of confusion, judgment, or painful experiences.

And for some, finding God or reconnecting with their faith becomes part of discovering who they truly are.

I’ve been thinking about the idea that God made us who we are.

But what does that really mean?

Does it mean we’re never supposed to question ourselves?

Never grow?

Never discover something new about our identity?

Or could faith also involve learning, self-discovery, compassion, and becoming more authentic?

I know people interpret religion and scripture differently.

Some believe identity is something fixed from birth.

Others believe that discovering and embracing your authentic identity can be part of your spiritual journey.

And some people don’t connect their identity to religion at all.

I’m not going to pretend I have all the theological answers.

But I do wonder whether we sometimes confuse the beliefs we inherited with the full meaning of faith itself.

Maybe finding your true self and finding God aren’t always opposing journeys. For some people, they might be deeply connected.

And maybe the person someone was meant to become isn’t always the person others expected them to be.

That’s something I’m still thinking about.

Understanding Someone Doesn’t Mean You’ve Experienced Their Life

I think there’s an important difference between accepting that someone deserves respect and fully understanding their personal journey.

I can respect someone’s sexuality without having experienced what they’ve experienced.

I can support someone’s freedom to express their identity without completely understanding what that feels like.

I can listen to people with different religious beliefs, political opinions, and backgrounds without sharing every belief they have.

And I can acknowledge that some of the things I was taught growing up might not tell the whole story.

That doesn’t mean every belief from my childhood was wrong.

It means I’m an adult now, and I have the responsibility to think for myself.

Sometimes that involves questioning things I once accepted without a second thought.

And sometimes that process is uncomfortable.

But here’s something I’ve been learning:

I don’t have to understand every part of someone’s journey to respect their right to live it.

I don’t need to have experienced someone else’s struggles to recognize that those struggles are real.

I don’t need to share someone’s identity to treat them with dignity.

And I don’t need to agree with every personal belief someone holds to recognize their humanity.

Sometimes acceptance begins with simply listening.

The Stigma Society Teaches Us

Something else I’ve noticed is how much of our understanding of other people comes from the environment we grow up in.

Our families influence us.

Our communities influence us.

Our religions influence us.

Even the television shows, news, and conversations we overhear as children influence us.

And sometimes we carry those messages into adulthood without realizing it.

We develop assumptions about people we’ve never met.

We become uncomfortable with things we don’t understand.

We might even mistake unfamiliarity for something being wrong.

But unfamiliar doesn’t automatically mean wrong.

And being raised with a certain belief doesn’t mean we can’t examine it later.

I think this applies to so many areas of society.

Mental health.

Disabilities.

Religion.

Gender identity.

Sexuality.

Different cultures.

Politics.

Even the expectations society places on how we’re supposed to live our lives.

As someone who writes about mental health, I’ve seen how damaging stigma and misunderstanding can be.

People make assumptions about experiences they’ve never personally lived through.

They judge what they don’t understand.

And sometimes they forget there’s an actual human being behind the label.

That’s something I don’t want to contribute to.

Because people aren’t just labels or political talking points.

They’re people.

With families, relationships, struggles, hopes, fears, and stories we might know absolutely nothing about.

I Don’t Want to Be Judgmental, but I Also Want to Be Honest

Here’s the part that feels vulnerable to admit.

Sometimes I still catch myself thinking through the lens of how I was raised.

Not because I want to hurt anyone.

Not because I believe someone deserves less respect.

But because those early beliefs don’t simply disappear overnight.

And rather than pretending I understand everything, I’d rather admit that I’m still learning.

I think society needs more room for genuine conversations.

Not conversations where people use religion or personal beliefs as an excuse to mistreat others.

But conversations where people can ask respectful questions, listen, reflect, and grow.

There’s a difference between saying:

“I don’t understand your experience, but I’d like to learn.”

And saying:

“I don’t understand your experience, so it must be wrong.”

Those are two very different attitudes.

And I want to keep choosing curiosity over judgment.

I also think it’s important to recognize that people from marginalized communities shouldn’t have to constantly explain or defend their existence just because someone else doesn’t understand them.

Learning is also our own responsibility.

We can read.

We can listen.

We can reflect.

We can challenge our assumptions.

And sometimes we can simply accept that another person’s experience is different from ours without needing to question it.

You Can Respect Someone Without Agreeing on Everything

This applies to more than gender identity or sexuality.

It applies to politics.

Religion.

Family traditions.

Generational differences.

Social expectations.

And all those complicated subjects that seem to turn ordinary conversations into arguments.

Some disagreements involve deeply held values, and I don’t expect everyone to agree.

But I also don’t believe every disagreement needs to become an excuse for cruelty.

We can have personal beliefs while recognizing that other people have their own lives to live.

We can maintain our faith without using it to shame someone.

We can question our upbringing without rejecting everything about the people who raised us.

And we can recognize that respect doesn’t require us to have all the answers.

Someone else’s freedom to be themselves doesn’t take away my freedom to be myself.

And maybe that’s something we need to remember more often.

Maybe Growing Up Means Questioning What You Thought You Knew

At 30, I’m realizing that growing up doesn’t automatically mean you’ve figured out the world.

Sometimes it means discovering how much you still don’t know.

I’m more accepting of diversity than I might have been when I was younger.

I’m more aware of the stigma people face.

I’m more willing to listen to perspectives that challenge my own.

But I also recognize that I have years of learned beliefs and assumptions to sort through.

And maybe that’s part of becoming your own person.

Not blindly following everything you were taught.

Not automatically rejecting it either.

But deciding what you believe through reflection, empathy, experience, and your own understanding.

I don’t want to live in a world where everyone has to think exactly like me.

I want to live in a world where people can be themselves without constantly having to defend their existence.

And I want to keep learning how to be part of that world.

Maybe the biggest lesson I’m learning is that I can be a work in progress while still treating people with respect.

I don’t have to pretend to know everything.

I don’t have to have an opinion on every social issue.

And I don’t have to fully understand another person’s identity to recognize that they deserve kindness and dignity.

And If You Already Know Who You Truly Are, I Commend You

Seriously.

If you’ve reached a point in your life where you know exactly who you are, what you believe, what you want, and who you’re meant to be, I genuinely commend you.

Because I certainly haven’t.

I’m 30-something, still figuring it out, doing my best-ish, and apparently still evolving.

What am I, a Pokémon?

At this point, I’m just waiting for someone to tell me I’ve reached my final evolution.

Spoiler alert: I don’t think I’m anywhere close.

I know the basics about myself.

I know what I love.

I know what matters to me.

I know some of my values, my passions, and the things that make me who I am.

But do I know exactly who I’m meant to become?

Absolutely not.

And maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking so much about identity, diversity, faith, and the freedom to be yourself.

Because while I’m trying to understand how other people discover and embrace their identities, I’m still discovering my own.

Not necessarily in the same way or through the same experiences, but through my own personal journey of growing, questioning, learning, and occasionally wondering what on earth I’m doing with my life.

Some days, I feel like I know exactly who I am.

Other days, I question everything.

My beliefs.

My purpose.

My future.

The person I want to become.

And sometimes even the things I thought I had already figured out.

But maybe that’s just part of being human.

We’re not all going to discover ourselves at the same age, in the same way, or on the same timeline.

Some people have a strong sense of identity early in life.

Others spend years figuring things out.

And some of us are somewhere in the middle, collecting life experiences like Pokémon badges and hoping they eventually make sense.

Maybe knowing who you are isn’t always about having one final answer. Maybe it’s about giving yourself permission to keep becoming.

I don’t believe we’re all meant to stay exactly the same people we were at 15, 20, or even 30.

Our experiences shape us.

Our beliefs evolve.

Our understanding of the world changes.

And sometimes we discover parts of ourselves we never knew existed.

That doesn’t mean our past selves were wrong or that our identities are somehow less valid while we’re figuring things out.

It means we’re growing.

And perhaps that’s why I believe so strongly that people should have the freedom to discover who they truly are.

Because I want that same freedom for myself.

The freedom to question.

To learn.

To change my mind.

To hold on to the beliefs that still feel right.

And to let go of expectations that no longer fit the person I’m becoming.

So if you’ve figured out who you are, I’m genuinely happy for you.

And if you’re like me, still trying to understand yourself while navigating adulthood, responsibilities, relationships, faith, and a world that never seems to stop changing?

That’s 100% okay too.

You don’t have to have yourself completely figured out to deserve acceptance, love, and respect.

You can be a work in progress and still be worthy of all those things.

As for me?

I’m still figuring it out.

Still doing my best-ish.

Still evolving.

And hopefully, somewhere along the way, I’ll discover a little more about the person I’m meant to be.

Until then, I guess I’m just a Pokémon that hasn’t reached its final evolution yet.

And you know what?

I’m okay with that.

My Final 3 AM Thought

Maybe acceptance isn’t about understanding every single thing about another person.

Maybe it’s about realizing that you don’t have to.

You don’t have to experience someone’s journey to respect it.

You don’t have to share someone’s beliefs to treat them with kindness.

And you don’t have to abandon your entire upbringing to recognize that your understanding of the world can grow.

I can honor where I came from without letting it decide everything I believe.

I’m still figuring out how my faith, upbringing, personal beliefs, and understanding of diversity fit together.

And I probably won’t have all the answers anytime soon.

But I do know one thing.

I would rather keep learning than stop listening.

Because at the end of the day, we’re all human beings trying to understand ourselves and find our place in this complicated world.

And perhaps we could all use a little more compassion along the way.

Maybe being open-minded doesn’t mean having all the answers. Maybe it means being willing to question the ones you thought you already had.

And maybe finding yourself isn’t about reaching some magical final version of who you’re supposed to be.

Maybe it’s about accepting that you’re allowed to keep growing.

Keep questioning.

Keep discovering.

Keep becoming.

Even at 30.

Even at 50.

Even at 80.

Because I don’t think there’s an age limit on learning who you are.

And if life really is one giant Pokémon evolution?

Well, I guess I’m still gaining experience points.

Still learning. Still questioning. Still evolving. Still doing my best-ish.

— Abby Juli

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Let’s Talk About It

Have you ever found yourself questioning something you were raised to believe, not because you wanted to reject your upbringing, but because your understanding of the world had changed?

And do you feel like you truly know who you are, or are you still figuring it out too?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Respectful conversations and different perspectives are welcome here.