We Were Taught to Respect Our Elders Before We Were Taught to Respect Ourselves

Another 3 AM thought from a 30-something who’s still figuring out boundaries, people-pleasing, and this whole adulthood thing.

Growing up as a millennial, I remember hearing one particular phrase over and over again.

“Respect your elders.”

And with that came a whole list of unwritten rules.

Be polite.

Don’t talk back.

Don’t question adults.

Don’t make a scene.

Keep the peace.

And whatever you do, don’t be disrespectful.

We were taught to respect our parents, teachers, bosses, and pretty much anyone older than us.

But somewhere along the way, I think we missed an important lesson.

What about respecting ourselves?

When Did Respect Become Staying Quiet?

I don’t think teaching kids to respect others was necessarily a bad thing.

Kindness matters. Manners matter. Treating people with consideration matters.

But looking back, I wonder how many of us confused respect with obedience.

How many times did we stay quiet because speaking up would be considered talking back?

How many times did we apologize just to keep the peace, even when we weren’t the ones who did something wrong?

How many times did we put someone else’s feelings before our own because we didn’t want to be seen as difficult?

And now here we are, in our 30s, trying to figure out why saying one tiny word feels so uncomfortable.

No.

Two letters.

One complete sentence.

And somehow, it can feel like we’re committing a crime.

Unlearning the People-Pleaser Mentality

I’m realizing that there’s a difference between respecting someone and allowing them to disrespect you.

I can love someone and disagree with them.

I can appreciate someone’s advice without following it.

I can respect authority without sacrificing my own mental health.

And I can say no without writing a five-paragraph apology explaining why.

Although, let’s be real, I’m still working on that last one.

Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, many of us became people-pleasers without even realizing it.

We learned to avoid conflict, swallow our frustration, and make everyone else comfortable.

And sometimes, we did it at our own expense.

Maybe This Is What Growing Up Really Means

At 30, I’m still learning that boundaries aren’t punishments.

They’re not about being mean, selfish, or ungrateful.

They’re about recognizing that our feelings, time, and mental well-being matter too.

Respect shouldn’t be something we automatically owe everyone else while having to earn it for ourselves.

It should go both ways.

And maybe that’s one of the hardest parts of adulthood.

Realizing that some of the things we were taught growing up need a little rewriting.

I’m not trying to become less respectful.

I’m trying to become someone who respects herself, too.

And honestly?

I’m still figuring that part out.

But I’m learning.

One awkward boundary, one uncomfortable no, and one little act of self-respect at a time.

Doing my best-ish, as always.

—

💭 A little 3 AM question for you:

Did you grow up hearing “respect your elders”? And do you think it made setting boundaries harder as an adult?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

This reflection was inspired by my writing on “The Millennial Mind” (https://themillennialmindblog.com/), where I explore growing up millennial, mental health, nostalgia, and the adulthood lessons nobody prepared us for.